Hey Alfred’
‘Yes! Who be this?’
‘Ahan, you no get my number again? Na
Frank dey talk.’
‘Hey Franko my guy.’
‘Alfred nawa oo, I don call you taya. Wetin
happen wey you no gree pick my calls?’
‘Frank abeg no vex, I been dey inside one
shop for “The Palms.”
‘Shuoo, person wey dey inside shop no dey
pick calls again? Abi you dey with babe?
Talk true.’
‘Frank abeg free me. No be babe mata dey
do me now.’
‘Wetin happen Alfred? Why are you
sounding like this today?’
‘Frank mehn, my wife don start her madness
again. As I dey talk to you so, I wan leave her. I
don taya I swear.’
‘Take am easy Alfred. Na the same wahala all of
us wey marry celeb dey face. I even dey with
Femi and Gbenga for here. If you hear their
complaints, you sef go taya. Wait for us for “The
Palms.” We go reach there in 30 minutes time.’
‘Hey Alfredoski my guy!’
‘Femi how far? Hey Gbenga, where you buy this
nice shirt?’
‘O’boy na my wife buy am for me oo. How your
beautiful wife naa Alfred? Frank yarn us as we
dey come say una wahala don start again.’
‘Gbenga I swear, I don taya for that girl.’ ‘Mehn,
this sun na die. Abeg make we find somewhere
to chill and take some bottles.’
‘Oya Alfred, gist us wetin happen between you
and your wife this time around? But wait first
Alfred, before you talk about you and your wife
mata, are you not supposed to be at work at
this time of the day?’
‘Why are you sounding like this Frank? Haven’t I
told you that I don’t go to work whenever my
wife is having menstrual pains?’
‘So wetin you come dey do for “The Palms”?’
‘Bros, she sent me to buy her sanitary pads and
some chocolate.’
‘Shuoo your wife don turn you to houseboy finish
ooo. So you no go work today because your wife
wan eat chocolate and wear pad? Wonders shall
never end. Na so she send you the other day go
collect her purse wey she forget for another man
house for Ikoyi.’
‘Gbenga abeg leave Alfred alone make him gist
us wetin really happen between him and his wife
this morning. That is why we stopped over.’
‘Ok, guys I was enjoying my sleep jeje this early
morning, wey my wife come back from God
knows where and woke me up to go and bathe
her daughter. Before I say make I open my eyes,
she don sprinkle water for my face.’
‘WHAT!!! So wetin you come do am?’ ‘Nothing
na! Abi una want make I beat her? The water
wey she pour for my face no even vex me like
that. Na the insult wey follow the water make
me vex. Na small thing remain I for slap her I
swear.’
‘Mehn Alfred you messed up big time. If na my
wife, I for use slap shave her eyebrows.’
‘Frank abeg make I hear word. Ok, make I slap
her so that she go use me do publicity abi?
Make she tell the world say I be wife beater abi?
You know that our yeye press men won’t even
bother asking my side of the story before writing
their usual nonsense.’
‘Alfred, you and your wife mata na comedy I
swear.’
‘Femi, wetin make you dey laugh? Shebi you sef
dey plan to marry celeb? No worry, we dey wait.
Don’t forget you already told me the reason you
want to marry your celebrity girlfriend is because
you loved the way she acted in the movie called
“Jennifa. ” You told Frank just two days ago that
you are not very sure if her divorce went through
the legal process of annulment or if it was just a
case of her ex husband telling her to get out of
the house and never come back again. Better
find out the true reason for her divorce and if it
was legally done so you don’t go to jail for
bigamy.’
‘It’s ok Alfred.’
‘No Frank, let me finish what I am saying. After
all we are all going through the same mess
married to female celebs who have several
divorces under their belt.’ ‘From what we all
have seen of our celebrity wives and colleagues,
none of us can vouch for our wives. Most female
celebs are serial-cheaters and polyandrous.
Some of them have married so many times that
if they had a certificate for each divorce, the
walls of their living rooms would be covered with
frames like the office of the vice chancellor of
UNILAG. Gbenga, why are you so quiet? How’s
your wife?’
‘Frank, she’s fine jare.’
‘Is she back from Enugu? I taya oo. I wonder
how long they will take to shoot a movie. Hope
she calls sha?’
‘She called yesterday asking me to help her
wash the pants she soaked in the laundry room
two weeks ago before she travelled?’
‘My God, Gbenga please tell us you didn’t wash
them. Did you?’
‘Yes I did, but before I did, I told her it would be
the last time I’d ever wash her pants.’
‘Abegii, make we hear word. Who you dey lie for?
Mehn, we don suffer for our wives hands sha.
Frank, we heard your ex wife spent 24,000
dollars on a yacht trip in Dubai a couple of days
ago.’
‘Abeg make una let me hear word. She no fit
afford such extravagance. Maybe she don catch
another maga.’
‘Frank don’t tell us you are jealous. What makes
you so sure that she can’t afford it? Didn’t you
see my wife’s friend who just got divorced the
other day in her brand new G-wagon and they
say she has also bought a house for herself here
in lekki?’
‘Gbenga you be mumu if you believe say na her
money she take buy house and G-wagon. How
much she dey collect per movie and how many
movies she dey act?’
‘Abeg na dem sabi jare. Make I begin dey go. My
wife go soon call to ask whether I don pick her
daughter from school. I still get to cook for her
and her friends this evening.’
‘Guys, me sef don waka oo, I no dey for my wife
trouble. Femi, are you not going home? You wey
go soon become the latest Lekki husband. But
please make sure her previous marriage was
legally annulled by a court of competent
jurisdiction ok?’
‘You be our guy and we don’t want you to be
like Gbenga whose marriage is illegal.’
‘Frank, better keep quiet there.’
‘Guys we go see later. Hey Alfredoski, take am
easy with your wife oo.’
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